Several people have asked me if I blog to keep friends informed or if I do it for myself. The answer is … both. Which leaves me confused sometimes … is this post for others’ eyes, or for my head? In the end I don’t think it matters too much.
I’ve now had this metastasized cancer for 11 years. Some of you might be thinking, does she actually have cancer or is it a case of phantom cancer? I promise, although I have indeed lived longer than most, I do have cancer. The tests and test results are real. And last Thursday up at DF I had CT and MRI scans as well as the usual blood work. (Plus 5 extra tubes of blood for the research people, which I LOVE donating.) Results: tumor markers both doubled and scans showed MUCH more cancer on both the liver and sternum. I mentioned to Dr Eric that three months ago he had estimated I had between 6 and 12 months to live: do I now have 3 to 9? He said, well, let’s still call it 6 – 12 but it’s unlikely you will make it to 12. It was a really sucky day.
In August I turned 61 which means two things. Thing #1: I’m officially old. When I look through alumni magazines I don’t even read about the people over 60 who died! They were OLD anyway. I read about the younger people who passed away. So fine, no one will read about my ‘going’. Thing #2: at age sixty TWO, a year from now, I could start getting social security. I really, really want a social security check, and I’ll probably miss it by like a month! Now, because of diabetes I always figured I’d be gone by 55, but now to get soooo close to a social security check, geez.
And about my obit … please, don’t anyone let it be written that I ‘battled’ cancer. I hate that metaphor. I prefer to think I’ve been doing a dance with my cancer. A nice, heart thumping tango. Cancer can do the final dip when it’s time.