Several people have asked me if I blog to keep friends informed or if I do it for myself. The answer is … both.  Which leaves me confused sometimes … is this post for others’ eyes, or for my head?  In the end I don’t think it matters too much.

I’ve now had this metastasized cancer for 11 years. Some of you might be thinking, does she actually have cancer or is it a case of phantom cancer?  I promise, although I have indeed lived longer than most, I do have cancer.  The tests and test results are real.  And last Thursday up at DF I had CT and MRI scans as well as the usual blood work.  (Plus 5 extra tubes of blood for the research people, which I LOVE donating.)  Results: tumor markers both doubled and scans showed MUCH more cancer on both the liver and sternum. I mentioned to Dr Eric that three months ago he had estimated I had between 6 and 12 months to live: do I now have 3 to 9?  He said, well, let’s still call it 6 – 12  but it’s unlikely you will make it to 12.  It was a really sucky day.

In August I turned 61 which means two things.   Thing #1: I’m officially old. When I look through alumni magazines I don’t even read about the people over 60 who died! They were OLD anyway. I read about the younger people who passed away.  So fine, no one will read about my ‘going’. Thing #2: at age sixty TWO, a year from now, I could start getting social security. I really, really want a social security check, and I’ll probably miss it by like a month! Now, because of diabetes I always figured I’d be gone by 55, but now to get soooo close to a social security check, geez.

And about my obit … please, don’t anyone let it be written that I ‘battled’ cancer. I hate that metaphor. I prefer to think I’ve been doing a dance with my cancer. A nice, heart thumping tango. Cancer can do the final dip when it’s time.


5 Replies to “Hey”

  1. I agree with you about the “battle” metaphor; but to dance the tango, one must also be brave! And you are. And graceful. xoB

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